In my head, whenever I’d thought about running into those people who hadn’t seen me, I wanted it to be a big shock, wanted them to see the tremendous change.
The big reveal, if you will.
I had spent so much time thinking about that moment, I needed it to be right.
I wanted all the guys who looked great in high school and had (probably) gained weight in college to feel what I’d felt, just for a second.
I wanted the girls who I’d been too insecure to even make eye contact with in high school to look at me and be too nervous to approach me.
Okay, I probably spent a bit more time thinking about that moment than was absolutely necessary. But whatever, this is my revenge fantasy…shut up and let me enjoy it.
You see, I wanted to be at the party looking so good that when people looked at my body, they would either get turned on, or pissed off. Not be unaffected. That’s not what I’d worked my (fat) ass for.
And so I decided not to go. I dreaded the idea of calling Evan back and telling him. I was mortified.
Not only would I miss out on a great time with people I hadn’t seen in a long time, but I would have to call one of my closest friends and make up some lame excuse not to go.
Could I tell him the truth? That I was a trainer and strength coach who was too fat or too insecure to be shirtless at a beach? And a fitness model on top of it?
I’d never been so disgusted with myself. I felt like a joke, a total fraud.
How could I, as a professional, let it get this far? The bodybuilding was a nice excuse, but it was just that – an excuse. Although I wanted to gain muscle, I realized at the moment I was being lazy. I’d taken the easy way out and eaten everything in sight, instead of having a structured, sane diet.
And look where it got me: fat, frustrated, and freaking out.
I could not bring myself to make the call. I was too embarrassed. (Truth be told, at the time I was not very good at confrontation.)
So, I decided to put it off for a day. (I was, however, awesome at procrastinating.)
I didn’t realize it at the time, but not returning that phone call was a decision that completely changed my life, the way I look at fitness and fat loss, and even my approach to training my clients.
Over the course of the evening, I started to think about everything I knew about fat loss and training, and all the different programs I’d written and read over the years.
I thought of many methods, and having tried them all, I knew they all worked. Some worked better than others, but none worked well enough, or fast enough.